Originally published in December 2018, after Thanksgiving.
For many Thanksgiving dinners while I was growing up, we passed a chalice of wine around the table. Before taking a sip, each of us had to say what we were thankful for. Of course, we usually named the familiar things: family, food, friends. This year, I want to express gratitude for something different.
I’m thankful for dance, yoga, and the ability to be physically active. Movement is therapy for me.
The first week of my senior year in high school, my brother Joe died suddenly. Just after midnight, my dad, mom, two brothers, and I were awakened and told the shocking news. I can see now how profoundly that moment changed me.
A week later, one of my teachers handed back a homework assignment I had completed just hours before I learned Joe had died. Staring at it, I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me. I realized that the person I had been before Joey died was gone. Nothing about me felt the same, though I couldn’t put my finger on how I had changed.
For several years, I struggled to concentrate on schoolwork, reading, and tasks that kept me sitting still. The loss set something in motion: a deep commitment to spending much of my time in my body. One thing I could do well was dance. My strong academic background carried me through senior year, but by the time I started college a year later, studying seemed impossible.
Heartbroken and in shock, the only time I felt good was when I was dancing. After a semester as a nursing major, I changed my major to dance. For several hours each day, my body felt strong and healthy. I could connect with myself without having to face the full weight of my sadness. I was physically tired and slept well. And in dance class, my teachers’ steady, constructive feedback kept me present and mindful of what I was doing in each moment.
When grief washed over me like a massive wave, knocking me down and leaving me gasping for air, I could recover. Sometimes waking up was the hardest part. In my dreams, Joey was alive. I’d feel that moment of happiness, quickly followed by the dread of realizing all over again that he was gone. I could get out of bed because I had somewhere to go where, at least physically, I felt good.
At the time, I didn’t know that physical activity can affect mood and the body’s response to stress. I was simply doing what helped me survive. I’m deeply thankful for my career teaching dance and yoga. In each class, I help my students be present and care for their bodies, hearts, and minds, while sharing tools that can support their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
Like many dancers as they age, I’ve reached a point where dancing the way I did in my 20s or 30s isn’t possible—or even safe. So I practice yoga. My practice helps me manage and care for old physical wounds. It also isn’t lost on me that my favorite yoga poses are heart-opening postures. The healing of my heart is what led me to yoga, and I will always be grateful.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Robin
Leave a comment